No More Mr. Nice Guy

Plus brief reviews of Obsession and The Drama

I recently saw Obsession (dir. Curry Barker) and rewatched The Drama (dir. Kristoffer Borgli) and it got me thinking about relationships but also another theme that both films touch on.

When does kindness become a crutch? When does passivity morph into toxicity? A drizzle of honey is tasty but a spoonful, in my opinion, is disgusting. Don’t let your friend eat a pillowcase full of Halloween candy unless you want them to projectile vomit all over your room later.

Both Obsession and The Drama point out the problem of the nice guy and raise interesting questions about power dynamics in heteronormative relationships. They also center the liberating and damning paradox that is truth-telling. Bear (Michael Johnston, Obsession) and Charlie (Robert Pattinson, The Drama) might have saved everyone a lot of trouble if they would have cut the bullshit and been honest about their feelings – but then these films wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining. In The Drama, Charlie doesn’t defend his fiancée (Zendaya) because, rightfully so, he’s shocked by what she reveals. But there’s also a part of him that is scared to stick up for her. He’s afraid of what other people will think and, conversely, of how Emma (Zendaya) will react if he says he’s terrified of her, of that thing she almost did. Instead of communicating honestly through that fear, though it’d bring about the confrontation his character clearly hates, Charlie ends up spiraling out, ultimately ruining his relationship and his wedding (spoiler – sorry).

Sometimes, too, the nice guy (girl, person, creature, etc, etc.) relies on kindness to hide their insecurities. In Obsession, Bear’s character is so insecure, so tied to his lovable, reliable guy act and who it has granted him access to that he sacrifices everything just to maintain the charade. Not to mention, my guy engages in a non-consensual relationship with Nikki (Inde Navarrette)!!! Be real. Bear knows early on that his One Wish Willow did something sinister and he chooses to ignore it. When his friends mention the suspicious escalation of Nikki and Bear’s relationship or when Nikki packs Bear a sandwich made with the meat of his dead cat, he pretends everything is fine to spare his ego. Loser behavior!!! That’s not nice — that’s whacko. He effectively endangers everyone he cares about because he’s too scared to confront the reality of the situation: that Nikki only reciprocates his feelings because she’s possessed by a love demon.

There’s a moment in the movie when the real Nikki surfaces while the demon inside her is asleep and she’s pleads tearfully to Bear to help her, to kill her if only to save her from the torturous situation he’s subjected her to. He ignores her entreaty and sneaks off in search of the comfort of another woman, Sarah (Megan Lawless), who luckily is not possessed but whose life he ruins as well (another spoiler!). In Obsession, our perception of Bear steadily unravels: we see him as the shy, reliable friend, then as a passive, messy coward who gets his crush possessed and finally as the selfish villain who does nothing (apart from asking Ian and the shopkeeper to reverse his wish) to save himself, the woman he loves and his friends from the demon he unleashed into all of their lives. In my view, Charlie and Bear’s characters aren’t sweet guys who’ve just had strokes of bad luck – they’re selfish and insecure and that leads to their demise.

And another thing! If someone is reliant on kindness to gain the favor of others, it can have a dulling effect that diminishes more unique aspects of their personality. Think of someone in your class or at your gym who is super sweet. That supreme niceness quickly transforms them into this kind of cardboard cutout where everyone’s like ‘yes! I know them, they’re so nice,’ and then have nothing else to say about that person, like if they’re really funny or know lots of cool historical facts. Taking it a step further, when someone tries to be good in everyone’s eyes, they’re effectively ridding themselves of agency; now they’re just a two-dimensional people-pleaser.

I’m not trying to encourage people to be mean, but I am trying to dissuade reliance on kindness as a way to get people to like you or to camouflage the things you dislike about yourself. I’d much rather spend time with an asshole, but a genuine one at that. If you’re standoffish and curt, live your truth king. If you’re a born-and-raised empath and a sweet pea, great! Just don’t change your tune when a baddie with silky black hair comes along, because if shit hits the fan your true colors will likely resurface.

I myself have fallen victim to the nice guy act. As someone who is very outgoing and confrontational (in my own toxic way at times), it can be endearing to spend time with someone shy and sweet. I have also done the people-pleasing thing as a way to be liked. We all have. But one thing I won’t do is run from discomfort. I say the thing that bothers me and I’ve been brave enough to lean into relationships despite all the fear and distrust and imposter’s syndrome ricocheting around in my brain. I think my whole issue with the niceness charade is that it’s rooted in dishonesty and inauthenticity. The person refuses to tell the truth for fear of putting themselves under the microscope so they end up manipulating the people they care about (Bear). Or they act fine, but hyper-fixate and panic in solitude, letting issues fester until everything blows up in their faces (Charlie). That’s counterproductive and cowardly. True kindness is being able to look at ourselves and others, and say yeah, honesty is terrifying, as is accepting the fact that we’re all mean and flawed and volatile sometimes and then choosing to be real with each other anyway. In the end, showing up authentically is a good thing, even if we’re not always palatable or endearing. Sometimes the realist person in the room is also perceived as the meanest…?

This whole diatribe could just be a self-soothing exercise. Or maybe I’m sick of fraternizing with guys cosplaying as ‘sweet’ but who are actually incredibly passive and dishonest. Or perhaps I just think we’d all be better off if we stopped worrying so much about how we’re perceived and instead acted in accordance with our desires. Shake hands with the shadow self once in a while, you know what I mean?

Until next time—

xx

Soph